How to Make Friends in Adulthood

Many people come to this site looking for advice for a few specific, but not very unique reasons. Some of those reasons are fairly predictable, like a teenager asking for advice on whether their feelings are love for their new crush. Or a kid just out of college looking for advice on their new career. However, the piece of advice that we weren’t expecting from people, adults, asking how they are supposed make friends now that they’re not in school anymore. At first this was very puzzling to us. If you were able to make friends when you were younger, why aren’t you able to make friends now that you’re older, smarter and more mature. But when we really thought about it, the environment kids grow up in is excellent for building lasting connections, environments that most adults usually don’t find themselves in.

When we get a question about making friends the discussion usually starts like this:

“I graduated from college a year ago. I’ve lost touch with many of my friends that I had in college, and I’ve been struggling to make new friends. I try to be social, I go to bars and the gym and sometimes the mall. I’m not afraid to talk to new people, but none of my conversations lead to friendships. It’s starting to become very demotivating and I’m starting to get really depressed because no one wants to be my friend. Is this it? Am I destined to have no friends for the rest of my life? How do you make friends as an adult?”

When someone asks us a question like this we typically try to walk them through a series of questions, so they can get to the proper answer themselves. We will always start by asking them “How did you make friends when you were younger.” We ask with the expectation that the person doesn’t fully know how they made friends back then. This allows them to think pretty hard and look back at those moments in their life with an analytical lens.

The response we are hoping for is something along the line of “well, I would just be in class with them, after awhile we would start talking. We really hit it off over time, and we became close after we discovered that we had a lot in common.”

Bingo, that’s exactly it. That’s how we all make friends. It’s as simple as that…

…Okay, I’ll Elaborate.

So, how do we make friends?

We make friends by seeing the same person or people on a regular basis, think daily or weekly. This is important. There needs to be frequency. Over time this frequency will lead you to become more comfortable with that person or group of people. After a while, conversations will seem natural, and not at all awkward. Over time these conversations will lead to strong connections, usually through the discovery of shared interests. As well as lead to shared experiences. These connections and experiences are what friendship is. And it all starts with just making an effort to see the same people frequently.

So after, we try to walk them through the next part of the advice. They know the reasoning, now they need to know how to take action. They now know that kids make friends from situations where they can frequently see the same classmates. Situations like in class, recess, after school sports, and other after school activities. We will ask the person looking for advice if they can think of any situations that they can put themselves in that would mimic the same situations that they were in as kids.

This is the part where we always lose them. We think this is where the disconnect is for many people who ask this question. Many people think that the appropriate situation would be like frequenting a bar, which might work if it’s a neighborhood bar that many people also frequent. But that’s never a guarantee. Others will say that they only go to the gym and try to make friends there. This isn’t a horrible idea for reasons we’ll get to later, but if not done in the right way, not only will you not make friends but you also might be seen as annoying to people who are just there to workout. Some will try to rationalize going to the mall is sufficient to making friends. But obviously, knowing what we’ve learned in this post, this isn’t the case.

So what situations are good for making friends? How can we mimic going to class, like we did as kids?

Let’s brainstorm

Cooking class- Let’s start with adult education. We’ve asked to think about a situation that could mimic an environment similar to kids being in class. Well, how could you get more similar than actual classes. Weekly or biweekly classes are a great way to find friends, especially when you have a genuine interest in the topic that’s being taught. There are many popular topics that adult ed schools usually have. Topics like cooking classes, welding or automotive classes, painting or any other type of art classes are also very popular. It goes on and on. Almost every town or city has adult ed courses that can be easily found.

Book club– Book clubs are a unique but very interesting way to make friends. The best benefit of a book club is that communication is necessary for them to function. And as we have already described, communication is the key to building those lasting connections. A book club allows for deep conversations about topics and themes that you wouldn’t otherwise run into in your day to day conversations. A large bonus is that you can pick a book club based on your own interests in certain topics and themes, and find people with similar interests.

Boxing/yoga class- We’ve already stated above that people who go to the gym are there to workout and not there to make friends, however that doesn’t mean there isn’t an opportunity to meet people and make friends in a gym setting. The best way is to go to classes that are provided by your gym weekly. Classes like yoga, boxing, and spinning are great examples of this. Many people who sign up for these classes make an active effort to make it to these classes each week. Before and after class while people are waiting are great times to converse and try to build connections with people. A boxing class especial, or any other class that requires pairing up, will also put you in situations where you have to interact with people.

Crossfit and TRX are even better than hitting a normal gym since community is a major part of the experience they promote. Many people value the social aspect of Crossfit over the fitness value of it. The best part is that not only are you building social connections but you are also getting physically healthy while you do it.

Adult softball league– Adult sport leagues are a great way to gather shared experiences with people. You can share the hard work it takes to practice, and the pride when your team wins and the disappointment of defeat. These shared experiences even happen with more casual rec sports. You don’t have to be a semi-pro to build friendships using sports. Some popular young adult sports are things like soft pitch soft-ball, beach volleyball, bowling, flag football. There’s a sport for every interest out there.People in smaller towns might have a hard time finding sports leagues for sports that require bigger teams, but anybody in a town with even a medium population should be able to find something fun to play.

Mtb or hiking club – Outdoor clubs can be another great way to build connections with people. There are always people out there trying to find others to join them outdoors. If you live in a big enough town or city it will be pretty easy to find clubs relating to any outdoor interest you may have. Hiking is always in fashion, mountaineering is kind of an extreme form of it. Kayaking and mountain biking, or some other form of cycling, are always fun. In colder places with mountains Ski clubs are very plentiful. If you love the outdoors this is a great option.

Trivia night – We’ve also already stated that bars and clubs aren’t ideal with for making new friends either. However there are exceptions. Many bars have special nights each week as an attempt to get people into their business. Some of these special nights are a weekly occurrence. The two most popular being Trivia night and Karaoke night. Many people who attend these knights do participate every week. Bars are already a great place to socialize, but these specialty nights that occur regularly are the times where you build connections with people.

Social clubs – Now this option is a bit more traditional, but modern interpretations can be great places to build relationships. Traditionally social clubs operate similar to the way Fraternities and Sororities do in college, just with out all the extreme parting (most of the time). Many of these social clubs have their own members buildings and can often have branches in other towns and states. Now a days the more popular styles of clubs aren’t strictly social clubs, but usually a membership will also allow for some outside perks like boat clubs, golf clubs, and a new example car clubs.

Friends of friends – The last option we are going to cover only works if you already have a friend or two. Let you friends include you into their friend groups. Use your the friends you already have to network and build further connections. You’ll already have something in common with them, that being your friend. Try to get them to invite you to a game night. Or maybe just just a day messing around at the mall. There are a lot of possible options. And when you finally make friends of your own, you can do the same thing. You can be that person that introduces other people to each other.

Now let’s wrap it up

We’ve laid out a number of options, do you know what they have in common? That’s right! They are all options that put you around the same people on a regular basis. These of course are not the only situations that are like offer this, but there’s so many options we couldn’t possibly write them all down. Some people won’t live an areas that offer some of these options, but most places will offer at the very least on or two. Find the option that most interests you, get out there, and start building those friendships.